My first pregnancy with Katie has been filled with a variety of emotions. In general, I would say it is 75% excitement, and 20% fear and 5% peace in knowing God is in control and it will all be all right. Earlier in the pregnancy, there was probably equal parts fear and excitement, but the excitement has grown with time, as the shock of knowing your life will soon be changed forever wears off.
A couple of strange analogies and thoughts I have had:
Katie survived meningitis. I have seen her in extreme pain and we got through that. And so I am not concerned about the pain or blood or anything like that. She can handle it. And we will have 2 extremely talented midwifes and one of Katie’s best friends here as well. Even if I faint, there will be enough people to tend to Katie while someone takes care of me.
God gave her a verse from Song of Solomon early in this pregnancy about sheep coming down a mountain, and how none of them had lost their lambs. We both believe he gave that to hear early so that we could hang our hats on it, knowing that Katie would go full-term with a healthy baby.
I am now in active waiting mode, as Katie’s braxton-hicks contractions of the last two months have now become a second stage where they are more regular – maybe 5 minutes apart, for anywhere from 30 seconds to 2 minutes long. And a few of them actually are a bit painful now, whereas before they were not at all. Her belly just used to get tight. I stayed home from work, just because of this change today. Midwife says active labor could come any time, or it could take a week. Katie didn’t sleep at all last night due partly to the contractions, but mostly to heartburn, her closest of 3rd trimester acquaintances.
We have prayed thoroughly for a perfect birth, with no physical detriment to Katie.
The last few weeks I have felt a strange bond with people that know they are going to die soon. I feel like we both know there is a fence up. And you can’t see the other side. But you know that very soon it will be your turn to be lifted over it. You have heard from many people how it is, but no one can really tell you exactly how. You just have to go there yourself to understand. What you do know is that it will require you to die to yourself more than ever in your life.
Just today I feel a little bit more like I am waiting for a luxury ship to take me into the unknown. It is an anxious wait, because I don’t know when it is going to arrive. I just know that it is somewhere out there behind the mist, heading my way. And I know it will take me places that are incredible, and to places that are painful. And part of me has become comfortable on the beach with a drink in hand. But I have bought my ticket, and I am leaving. Even if I didn’t choose to go, which I have, I would be duty bound to go. That ship is going, and I am going to be on it. And I am scared. The people on the deck as the ship approaches can look happy and excited, but it still doesn’t change the fact that I’m scared.
Earlier in this pregnancy I thought it felt like looking up at your first roller coaster, knowing that you are about to go on it.
Part of me is scared to death. Part of me just wants the birth to be over. Part of me wants to just realized I don’t know how to clean an uncircumcised penis. Part of me feels a little sick. Part of me is worried that my co-workers will think I’m skipping out on work. Most of me doesn’t care. Part of me wonders if I’ll ever feel the way I did chilling on a beach in Jamaica, or if I’ll be concerned for wherever my kid(s) are. Part of me is curious how God will help me to teach them, and to plan to help them financially. Part of me hopes that, above all else, I will not sacrifice time with them for work, and lead them as God would, to be Godly people of integrity. (Well, all of me hopes that, just part of the time I think about it). Part of me is excited for some band opportunities coming up, and wants to nail them.
Part of me is thankful spring is here. And that the grass is green. And that birds visit my deck.
Justin – it will be o.k.
Part of me speaks the words of faith I learned when I married Katie.
“Justin, God is soooooo in control. All those years of worrying were in vain. He was in complete control the entire time.”
I have trusted Him with my life. I now have to trust him – completely – to be in control of Judah’s life as well.
God, give me plentiful time with my kids. May we go camping, fishing, dancing, whatever it is that touches their hearts and draws them closer to you. May I never wound them with words or actions that allow lies to take root. May I only speak and convey grace, and the Father’s heart.